Thursday, April 24, 2008

Gold Jerry Gold

Doug over at Hey Jenny Slater did an outstanding post on Undrafting the NFL
(Getting rid of current players to make your team better)

Some highlights if I may:

The pick: WR Chad Johnson, Oregon State.
Obviously, he doesn't want to be there. Cut him so the Redskins can sign him. I mean, so that your team morale improves. That's what I meant to say, team morale.

The pick: TE Jeremy Shockey, Miami (Fla.).
No, they haven't actually signed the poster child for repressed homosexuality yet, but you just know they're gonna. Saints, I'm begging you to stop this danse macabre by pre-emptively un-signing this overrated thimbledick, thereby preventing him from douching up what otherwise looks like it could be a reasonably solid team going into 2008. Haven't the people of New Orleans suffered enough?

The pick: WR Dwayne Jarrett, Southern Cal.
I was really pissed when the Panthers drafted him last year rather than his USC teammate -- come on, Panthers, you're afraid of having two Steve Smiths on the roster? That could've been the source of some of the greatest misdirection plays in league history if only you'd given it a chance.

The pick: QB Brady Quinn, Notre Dame.
Everyone who thinks Brady Quinn will ever take a meaningful snap for the Browns, raise your hand. (Put your hand down, Brady.)

The pick: QB Tom Brady, Michigan; WR Wes Welker, Texas Tech; LB Tedy Bruschi, Arizona.
As punishment for Spygate, the Pats’ control over the 31st overall pick is taken away and handed over to a three-judge panel consisting of Roger Goodell, me, and my friend Joe who’s a rabid Colts fan; the Patriots also get an additional first-round player taken away from them (and a third taken away solely because of Bill Simmons). These three players are dismissed as part of a tough-love social experiment to see if the Patriots’ legions of suspiciously recent fans will still support them if they don’t have any white players to cheer for.

And saving the best for last:

The pick: QBGF Jessica Simpson, J.J. Pearce High School.
Yes, this is the obvious joke, but we all know Tony Romo’s brain barely has enough RAM to hold down simple tasks like handling a field-goal snap; even the most blinkered Cowboys fan out there can’t honestly think Chuckles is ever gonna win a playoff game as long as he’s got the added distraction of blond hair and an (admittedly spectacular) pair of tits following him around wherever he goes. Give J-Simp the heave-ho, set Romes up with a chick who looks more like Peter King, and give him a chance to spread his wings and fly, dammit!

No comments: